Dear Mr. Hefner,
I could be wrong but lately I have noticed that the majority of your fiance’s (and it’s been quite a list) have been blonde. No offense sir but, am I missing something here or am I taking it personal that I do not see you on the front page of a magazine in the arms of a dark-haired Hispanic or African-American beauty?
Perhaps you feel intimidated by the intelligence of a Latina woman who will not only make you pick up your dirty underwear but also make you get rid of the blinding ‘blonde’ ladies who are tripping around your mansion fighting for your attention. Hmmm, perhaps it’s the fact that the Latina Lady will slap you upside your head and tell you point-blank that you can be someone’s grandfather, oh sorry, make that, great-grandfather and in spanish tell you “mira viejo loco, ya es tiempo que dejes te tomar esas pastillas de viagra y aceptes que eres un viejo cagado y te vaya a Florida y una vez por toda te retires y ponte una camisa y pantalones! Viejo estupida! Quien se pasa todo el dia en pajamas! Sangano!” Now you’ll have to ask one of your blond ladies to attempt to translate this to you for I believe you are living in the land of make-believe. Can you say Peter Pan?
So why am I writing to you about your blonde obsessions you ask? Because I don’t really follow you but damn, after hearing about your runaway bride, Kendra ‘the moron’, the blonde twins you dated ions ago, and some other blonde ‘idiot’ who had your kids, I realized, where are the dark-haired beauties?!
I hope someone brings this to your attention and make you realize that you are NOT forever young, you have to face reality that you are OLD, you will eventually have to stop taking Viagra, you WILL get Alzheimer’s (if you haven’t already) and that these ladies are just laughing at you behind your back because face it, if you didn’t have the money you would be a lonely old man with Mrs. Doubtfire as your date.
So if you do get a wind of this honest writing from a real beauty (yes and Latina at that!) I hope you take a good look in the mirror and stop acting like the fool I feel you are because no one else has the cojones to tell you…..Life is good and that’s the beauty of freedom of speech! Telling like it is.
PS: next time your bride runs away, try the Hispanic ladies, they will tell you way ahead of time what they want or else they won’t marry your old crinkle ‘assteroid’. LOL