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Of all the things for me to post it would be the adventures of my now 20-year old!

Today is my baby’s birthday (yeah like he would want me to refer to him as my baby) so the “boy,” as my sister refers to him, turned 20 and my ass is looking forward to coming home and celebrating with cake, drinks and the “expensive” chinese food…and I’m not talking about combo number 5. I’m literally spending $70 bucks on 4 orders because if you live in Rockaway NJ, you know the best Chinese food is from East Cafe near the mall by Best Buys.

Where was I? Oh yeah, so I’m texting the bastard (my favorite word meant with love and NOT hate) and get a response of “I can’t talk now”. Ok so I sent another text “Let me know what the plans are for tonight” and then I get this:

“Guess what?”

I don’t guess because I’m working and my idea of guessing is “WTF now?”

He responds: “I went skydiving today” AND includes a picture.

I’m like, wow, that’s a great Photoshop pic of Daniel with a man behind him but he’s not wearing a helmet so this has got to be one of his crazy pics.

I ignore it. Mr. Eve is like, “you’re kidding right?” and Son number one (the oldest) is like “You’re *)&%$ kidding right?”

Now I’m ignoring all three bastards (again said with love and tenderness) because I’m working and trying to read and respond to text messages while trying to register patients in is kind of difficult if you don’t wish to get caught.

Now my carcass leaves work and runs around picking up my expensive Chinese food, ShopRite cake (lol yes I did) and lottery tickets and NOW I’m believing he went skydiving and broke my diet and purchased a bottle of wine.

Half an hour later and still believing this child of mine didn’t do as he said, I pull into the driveway and ask for help with the damn grocery bags.

“You really didn’t go skydiving did you? That was CGI right?” For those not familiar with CGI it’s an acronym for Computer Generated Image (yes we watch and criticize movies so I know what this is).

“Mom how can I CGI the sky to make it look like that?”

“Ah, you weren’t wearing a helmet so I KNOW that picture was a fake.”

Now the Boy pulls out his damn iPhone and begins to show me the VIDEO OF HIM SKYDIVING!!!

“WTF Daniel! Do you want to kill me?!!! How the hell did you go skydiving and not tell me! What if something happened to you? Did you think of that? How would I know if something happened when you don’t tell me these things!!”

“Mom, I didn’t want you to stress or have an anxiety attack at work so I didn’t tell you.”

“What!! And if the damn parachute didn’t open how the hell would I have known!”

“Don’t worry, I put you down as my emergency contact..”

Emergency contact! Did I want to kill the bastard (again a loving term) for his calm demeanor while I’m having a fucking nervous breakdown! ( I believe this is the first time I say the eff word without using those damn stupid ass symbols).

So I eat, drink 2…no make that 3 glasses of wine to relax my nerves after I see the entire video and pictures. Should I have been proud when he says, “Mom, you can’t live life in fear and wait around not doing anything. Ok, so eventually we’re all going to die at some point so why not take risks and live your life.”

I thought about strangling him and going to jail where I could rest, eat, sleep and not worry about the bastards but I was the better person and responded, “When did you get so grown up and mature?”

For him, his 20th birthday will be memorable. For me, it was the day I wanted to disown my son because he’s the one who’s going to kill me before my time.

Life is good……..but not when your child tells you he went skydiving!!!

PS: Of all the times to go skydiving it would be on his 20th birthday AND when Mr. Eve is in London (yes! double WTF!!) for a damn concert!!! Don’t ask…I stopped asking a long time ago!!! I’m so DOOMED with a house full of men. Good thing the cats are female!