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Every writer is familiar with the dreaded “query” letter which we torture over writing when submitting (or rather begging) to an editor hoping they would publish our work or to an agent hoping they would represent us. For weeks I recall agonizing over writing the perfect query letter which would catch an editor’s eye and make them jump for the phone to call with the news they want my work. Needless to say I have, as many of my fellow writers out there do, several rejection letters since my query letter (or was it my work?) did not get me past the ‘slush pile”.

As I sit at yet another ice hockey practice freezing my butt off one day this week, I wrote the best query letter ever all in my mind. I quickly reached for pen and paper (which every wannabe writer carries with them) and I wrote the query, which in a perfect world, would get me published. Being of course I believe the more we write the better we become at our craft, I made the decision to share my lovely query letter according to Eve for your reading pleasure.

Dear Agent,

Why should you represent my work and find an editor worthy of publishing it? There are so many reasons for you to sign me up as your client and I have taken the liberty of listing them for you as follows:

1. Unlike celebrities, I do not have their bank balances or recognizable name to buy myself an agent or editor. Are Madonna and Jay Leno published authors? Seriously? And just because Maria Shriver was married to the “Terminator” should not be a reason for her to be published as well.

2. My family and friends absolutely love my work and they’re not just saying it because they know me or that they’re afraid to hurt my feelings.

3. I have seen and read published work which puts me to sleep, doesn’t make sense to me or force me to read the last pages to see how it ends.

4. When I say I want to be a writer, I MEAN it and if my work is not worth publishing I would be the first to let you know.

5. I promised my sister in-law she would be my personal assistant when I published my first book and I would take her to the Oprah Show when my book was chosen for the ‘book of the month’ club. Oh and I promised her I would pay her (with money, not compliments) for all the help and input she gave me in developing my personal blog, which by the way you should visit at https://eveslog.wordpress.com

6.By self-promoting myself on point 5 above and inviting you to visit my blog, I am demonstrating to you my ‘self-marketing’ skills, which I am improving each day.

7. We can both save a tree and go green if you pick up the phone to give me the good news that you will represent my work instead of mailing a rejection letter and also saving you the cost of postage. Go green! Save the planet!

8. I believe it’s time we added another crazy Latina writer to the world of publishing. I promise not to throw a block party with all my crazy relatives and expect you to attend. Ok so we’ll have a small gathering and only close half the street off.

9. When we have our first lunch meeting I promise not to order lobster (only because I don’t eat the thing) but I will be ordering something other than soup or salad. Oh and one glass of Merlot, make that two since we’ll be celebrating.

10. I promise to be one of your less demanding clients since I don’t ask for much, I welcome constructive criticism and fame will not go to my head since after years of rejections it will take years before the fact I’m  being represented to really hit me.

I will stop at ten since I’m sure you have made your decision right around point two and overwhelming you too soon will not be a smart move.

Thank you for your time and I look forward to hearing from you soon.

Sincerely,

Your new client, Eve

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