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I will tell you I missed the Gardening 101 lesson because to this date I don’t see what the heck is so relaxing about gardening. I’m still trying to figure out what my friends and colleagues find relaxing in digging in the dirt to plant, weed, toil or till or whatever it is those stupid instructions tell me to do before I bury those stupid bulbs, seeds, pods etc.

Let me fill you in on why this task is dreaded and stressful to me as opposed to relaxing. First off, I have yet to own one of those stupid sun hats because every time I attempt to buy one I look like a moron. So I head out there armed with my sunglasses, long pants since I hate the dirt to cling to my legs, sock and sneakers, no sandals here, don’t want any creepy crawlers between my toes, bug spray to ward off the flying critters. Off I go into the wild to plant a seed or two because I’m sick and tired of having Mr. Eve pointing out those neighbor women out there showing off weeding, plucking, watering and acting like Martha freaking Stewart. He’s like “why can’t you be like them and work on gardening and planting?” I respond, “because I’m a city girl, I grew up around bricks and stones and the only dirt around our house was a coffee can with an avocado seed we attempted to grow.”

Now I’m out there and the first thing I do is scope the perimeter. I check for any movement on the ground that needs to be tossed over to the neighbor’s yard. I gather my weapons, I mean tools, and proceed to dig holes to bury what I know will NOT grow since I have no luck with this gardening nonsense. Well here is the stressful part of this. Dig a hole, out comes worms, some white crawling thing with a gazillion legs, black bugs, and spiders! Who knew spiders were under ground? I think they were spiders. Now the freaking worms are not the small toss over and continue ones, these are worms on steroids as long as my arm, and I could swear one of the ones I tossed over the fence texted a friend or two because the next hole I dug there were like three or four of them…yuck!!

Now I’m supposed to bury bulbs, cover them again and the bugs are still in the dirt I yanked out. Don’t they know how to run for cover? To make matters worse while trying to sit on the dirt, which I detest, I swear I feel all those creepy crawling critters on my skin. I can’t relax because every movement I see makes me jump, I pretend I am thirsty just to take breaks, I spot a chipmunk or two, then the dirty squirrels are watching me from the trees (I swear they are making notes on where and what I planted), and after hours of digging and planting I notice I’m not half done..Has it been hours? Perhaps I am exaggerating since when I checked my watch I was only out there twenty minutes.

Twenty minutes!! I’m still waiting for the relaxing part of gardening and honestly I don’t believe it exists. The worse part of it all is I spend hours out there, get an unnecessary tan in the process and none of my godforsaken seeds, plants or bulbs grow because either the chipmunks or squirrels got to them, I forgot to water them, I forgot I planted them or I figured its every plant for itself, if they survive without my help then I have succeeded.

So much for Eve’s Garden for it is nothing more than Eve’s dirt patch.

Perhaps the secret of relaxing while gardening is watching Pedro or Jose while sipping on a cold beer and eating chips….now that’s what I call gardening.