I found my way back to my blog after several days of being on hiatus. Honestly when you work being on the computer all day it kind of sucks the life out of you. I can close my eyes and literally recite every key on that damn keyboard and which positions they are on.
Now I normally do not speak about religion, sex, drugs, salary, politics or videotapes…..well I sort of do….but today I must vent on this judgment day warning. Not only do I have to dust off my bible and begin reading some verses to refresh my memory on what was written a gazillion years ago, but now I’m wondering if all my sins will be forgiven or even if I have enough time from here until Saturday to repent or be one of the chosen ones. Is that at all possible? Why am I concerned about this? Because some wisenheimer decided to write about this in the papers, plaster it all over the internet, make it a water cooler topic and now as I read the signs on the roads about the ‘75% off mattress sale”, “Saint so-and-so Tricky Tray”, “We buy houses!”, now they added another one: “JUDGMENT DAY”.
Really people? Was this necessary? Did you have to post these signs all over the road thus taking me out of my daily routine of trying to figure out what’s for dinner and if I have all the ingredients needed? Did you really need to post these to make me re-evaluate my life? And thank you dear Wisenheimer for giving my younger son something to worry about and force me to answer his questions as we schlep 10 miles to ice hockey practice. I ask again, “Was this necessary?” Not only is my son concerned about the ‘quacks’…I mean earthquakes and floodings and whatever else is coming on judgment day, he’s blaming me for not having our disaster emergency box ready as he’s been suggesting since 9/11. Here’s the list of things he wants me to pack:
Canned food, batteries, radio (do they even make radios with batteries?) blankets, socks, extra clothes, flashlights, a gun (yes he said gun in case those who didn’t pack a box come after ours), snacks, water and of course cat food for our cat Ozzie.
So thank you for making me go out and begin gathering all these items to make him feel better. If in fact this is going to happen and doom is nearer than I care, I am ready with my list to buy myself a few bottles of wine (some will go into the disaster box of course) and I will be having a grand old-time on Friday because I intend to drink until the room spins, I speak in tongues and Mr. Eve tells me how ridiculous I am.
Wisenheimer I will drink a toast or four to you as I text all my friends, thereby using all my minutes, because I must say one last goodbye, send one last joke before we become obliterated.
And here’s a list of things to do before it all comes to an end:
Tell your bill collectors you’re not paying any bills because judgment day is coming.
Be honest with your significant other and admit those ugly pants do make their butts look big.
Diet schmiet, eat drink and be merry and don’t worry about making yourself throw up…no need for it.
Tell that nosey neighbor to stop looking out her window spying on everyone.
When you leave work Friday, tell your boss exactly how you feel about him or her…you won’t be in on Monday anyways.
Admit to the kids the dog died and really didn’t run away like you’ve been saying (really, were the posters necessary?)
Take the plastic off your livingroom furniture…it’s highly flammable and it’s time to stop getting stuck to the plastic.
Go ahead and have that one night stand….no chance of running into each other again.
The list goes on and on and on but I’m afraid I need to make my list of types of wine I want to stock up on.
I hope you had a good laugh while reading this for life is far too serious at times and we fail to stop and smell the Merlot!
Life is good,